Bigger & Deffer

As I've gotten older many things have changed and one of those is my hair. My hair used to be crazy thick and crazy long (I could sit on it). But, I got it cut then started the necessary dye at age 25 due to being prematurely gray. So now I have regular, pretty unremarkable hair (to me). It is never going to grow to my butt again and frankly I'm over that. Ok...I do miss it but why cry over spilled milk....I just want something stylish. Since I wear my hair natural 80% of the time I want a hairstyle that works. So, in the spring/summer I'm going to go to a curly salon in NYC and get this cut.

My hair now. It's not to much different. The cut will add a little more volume. Make it Bigger & Deffer.

I love the cut but my mother and best friend don't. Not that I care (sorry Mom) but I like their feedback anyway. What do you think? Like, love or hmmm...not really. Again, not that I care but I thought I would ask. You won't ever be able to confuse me for a stodgy Mom.

BTW...for those of you who don't know what deffer is...remember LL Cool J's Bigger & Deffer album back in the day? I need love...

That's Noble of You

Girl meets boy.  

They have decent conversations.

Girl tells boy she is adopting a daughter who will be home in the spring.  

Boy says: "My that is noble of you."

Girl is dumbfounded.  

What should girl do?  She really hates stupid responses, but it probably wasn't as bad as it seemed to her. 

Babies at Work?

Time ran an article last month about whether it is feasible or not to bring your baby to work. But, indeed some companies are establishing work programs that allow mothers to bring their children to work with them (home away from home?). How far we have come and yet how far we have to go. Some companies let mothers bring their children to work while others still don't give mothers paid maternity leave or pay for reproductive assistance if she is not married. Uh oh...I'm about to get on my Tide box here so, let me go back to the issue at hand...babies at work... I think it's great if it works for you. For me, it would work maybe 30% of the time. When I'm out shopping for clients yes. But, I can't imagine going to a meeting with Baby I on my hip. Heck, I can't even imagine having Baby I home all day and I'm trying to get focused to write a proposal or do some other major work. Uhhhh case in point, I've been trying to write a proposal all day and you see what I'm doing now! Writing this post about why having my baby at work wouldn't work for me!

Maybe for those that are a little more disciplined it would work but, for those with Adult Boredom/Attention Disorder it wouldn't work so well. So, while I plan to have Baby I home with me for 3 days a week, the other 4 days the kid has to go to that expensive daycare/preschool if we are to keep a roof over our heads! And I really don't look good in cardboard! Tell me, would it work for you?

Holiday Traditions

I was sent this question weeks ago and haven't answered it yet because I was hoping to come up with something very enlightening but instead you get this.

Q: Tami, I'm wondering as an AA woman about to adopt a baby, what kinds of traditions do you envision? I'm asking being a white woman with very little vision about a multicultural holiday, but ready to learn.

A: I'm sorry to disappoint you but, although I've said in many posts, in different ways, I am multicultural, I have no special "multicultural" way of celebrating the holidays. The way my mother raised me was to just celebrate the holidays without thought of any specific culture or race. I suppose we always knew who we were so around the holiday it was just a time to be with the ones we love, be thankful and to celebrate what the season was for. Yes, different parts of my cultural has specific traditions but, because my family was so diverse and maybe because we were in America, we never focused on those things. Around the holiday we just enjoyed each other.

Baby I will be my first child so, as most of you have done, the traditions I will share with her will be those passed on from my family, those I research and that I think I would like to incorporate into our lives. I don't want to start anything too stressful though because life is stressful enough. I'm going to keep it pretty basic to begin with and not focus so much on the "traditions" but more on the experiences, exposure and education. The people I have her around, the places I take her to and the time I spend with her. I don't want to get so caught up and overly obsessed year 1 with every single tradition. Kind of like the hair thing... you know just let the baby's hair just....oh, excuse me I'm getting ready to digress...LOL

I love the holidays so I think it's important to be around those that you love both friends and family. I want my children to appreciate what they have and not look down on others for what they don't have. As such, last year I started working with the homeless or sick and shut in, this will also be a part of our life. I try to attend service on Christmas morning. As far as celebrating the Ethiopian Christmas holidays specifically, I plan to start learning as soon as I can to share with her as well as our friends and family.

Finally, there are many people that read this blog (go figure) that have their children home or are Ethiopian and can share traditions that we can incorporate into our lives not only around the holiday but all year. If you don't mind, please share some of those traditions with us. Selam.

Blog Name Change

I have posted over 90 rants and raves. Who knew I had so much to say? Well, my mother and many of my teachers I'm sure would say "we did." Now, it is time for you all to know the truth about me...I tend to have a short attention span. I need to have frequent change (that is the Gemini in me or the Attention Deficit Disorder...heehee). So, now I'm bored! Not bored with posting, but bored with my blog name. What made me think I could pick one blog color and remain happy for a year or more? What was I thinking? I'm sure it was the excitement of the moment! Well, I need to change something about the blog and the most obvious is the name, it just doesn't reflect my current state. My adoption is and will forever be a blessing however, it is more than that. I am more than that. I want the name to be reflective of me, my life and our (me and Baby I) life. I've seen some really cool blog names out there, please help me find a new blog name.

WARNING...this is something like picking a baby name...it won't be easy! LOL OKAY...I'm open to suggestions.

Blogdom: I Need Boy Names!

Dear Blogdom:

My bestfriend, yes the one who doesn't read my blog, is having a boy next month. The problem is she and her husband can't agree on a boy's name and I'm all out of suggestions. We've tried: Connor, Owen, Hayden, Jackson, (her first son is Desmond), Ellis, Tristen, Braydon and Randy to name a few. Her husband doesn't like them. He doesn't want anything that starts with an A because the boys initials would be ASS (that would build character though...lol). They also want something a little different.

Soooooooooo....even though she doesn't read my blog, I love her (plus her first son is my Godson) and I thought I would see if the ole wise ones could come up with some boys names. So give me all of your best boys names...PLEASE! If you don't help and we don't find a name soon, I told her she may just have to find a new husband!

Dear Blogdom:

No, it's not Sunday but this has been on my mind and if you haven't figured this out about me I have to speak my mind. Additionally, I read in a post this morning that a mother let someone hold her baby for a few moments because she had to tend to her other child that had fallen and her baby did not want to go back to her...the mother was heartbroken of course.

So Blogdom the question is...when you bring (or brought) your child home how soon do/did you allow other people to hold him/her? I plan on adopting a 6-8 month old and I am trying to decide how soon to allow family and friends to come visit, stay and hold my daughter. I don't want to offend anyone, particularly not my family but I also must do what is best for my daughter. Oh wise Blogdom...what do I do?

Dear Blogdom:

It's Sunnnnnnnnnday, our designated question day! So...my question is: how do you plan on making sure that your child is aware of their unique heritage (Ethiopian and African American)?

For instance if you are Caucasian how do you intend to teach your child about their Ethiopian heritage as well as the history of African Americans. If you are of color (African American, Caribbean, etc.) how do you plan on involving your child in his/her culture as well as your own?

If you already have your kid(s) at home what kind of things have done to make sure that your child(ren) remain in touch with their Ethiopian heritage AND that they have both Ethiopian and African American friends and role models?

Will I Be Enough?

As adoptive mothers this is a question we all ask ourselves, will I be enough for my child? Am I doing the right thing by taking her from her country? As much as I try I will never be able to provide her with the real experience of being a true Ethiopian…or will I?

As a person of color born in the United States with a heritage in Africa (I will tell you where when my DNA test comes back), Dominican Republic and Jamaica does that make me any less Dominican or Jamaican because I was not raised there? Maybe to some but not to me. Why? Because it is in my heart just as much as Africa is in my heart. My Spanish language skills are not fluent and my Patois is non existent but I love the islands, the music: Merengue, Salsa, Bachata, and Reggae, the food: Plantain, Rice and Beans, Sancocho, Ox Tails …etc, you get the point. My culture is in me although I wasn’t raised in it and I am proud. My daughter may not be raised in Ethiopia but her culture will be in her just as my culture will be in her.

Also, who is to say that simply because you are raised in a country that you are culturally rich. How many people do you know raised right here in the United States and don’t know anything about American culture and history? How much do you really know? OK…don’t send me a test!

I am certain as the years pass I will wonder what my daughter is thinking and am I exposing her enough but I won’t second guess myself about my decision to adopt her and I hope that none of you second guess yourselves either. Our paths have been set by God, not all paths are clear but we are to keep walking them and they will become clearer. So the answer to will I be enough is...Yes...we will be enough together. Selam.

Dear Blogdom:

I'm sure many of you had this question...what age range should I request for my child? When I first started the process I thought I wanted as young a child as possible. I wanted to make sure I had the maximum bonding time with my daughter even if it was only a few more months say 3 1/2 month vs- adopting at 7 months or older. However, after having conversations with a few people I now understand better that this would mean if I get the referral for an infant this young (3 months) she would more than likely have come from a mother that died at birth. As such she would not have had any time to form any bonds having immediately been placed in a foster care situation. Additionally, if I pick her up so young I or the doctors would not have time to see what her development is and if there are any developmental delays. On the other hand if I choose a referral of a little older child of say 6-12 months old she would have had time to form bonds, breastfeed and begin the developmental process. However, I know nothing is certain...So based on your experiences what do you suggest? Oh Blogdom what do I do?

Dear Blogdom:

After a long week I seem to always have questions or challenges on the weekends. So, I thought that on Sundays I would pose a question to the "Blogdom" for you all to solve (I have faith in you). Today is the first one.

Dear Blogdom:

When I first started down this road of adoption I was so excited and I thought that my friends would be just as excited for me. Don't get me wrong most of them are but then there are the few that are sidewalk observers and then they wonder why we haven't spoken in a while. When I try to speak to them and tell them about the adoption they don't show much interest. I have very close friends who have never been to my blog and someone even said to me today "I didn't know you were adopting from Ethiopia." I almost fell off of my seat because we are supposedly very good friends but she has taken zero interest in my adoption. My feelings have been very hurt. She said she figured I would tell her about it when I wanted to. WHAT???? I tell everyone I can...I tell the grocery clerk, the drive through person at Wendy's...trust me everyone knows about my "pregnancy."

In all fairness, I did catch her up today after she said she didn't know I was adopting from Ethiopia and she has never been to my blog...I've sent her my blog address several times after she said that comment to me before. In this new phase of my life I am creating I am fighting so hard for the life that I want and deserve but I am also hurt by some of my friends ambivalence towards my adoption...did any of you have similar situations? Oh great blogdom what should I do?

Interesting Questions I've Gotten Thus Far

So, after officially having my blog up only 1 day, I've gotten some interesting questions...here are the top three:

1. Q: Why Ethiopia? A: Why not Ethiopia? Remember your first love and you just knew they were the one for you? Well this is how I feel...I just know that Ethiopia is where my daughter is. I've taken the adoption course for Department of Children and Family Services of DC and I've looked into other countries but I keep coming back to Ethiopia. I've always been drawn to Ethiopia since I was in college and for those who know me it has more to do with than the guy that I dated in college (he was very cute though)! LOL The need (goes without saying) ...so how about other stuff like...I love the food, the people are great, and everyone in DC thinks I'm Ethiopian anyway (I'm not...at least I don't think I am who knows, my family is Dominican, Jamaican, Spanish, Scottish, Syrian, African American...whatever that is these days, and some other stuff...) now I just need to learn how to speak Amharic. :-) I also think I should get one of those DNA tests done!...


2. Q: Why don't you just adopt from DC or some place in the US? A: Honestly, I don't have the emotional energy for the uncertainty of a US adoption. International adoption is much more predictable. There is no wait period for the birth parent to decide if they made the right decision...I can't imagine falling in love with my child then having her taken from me. I don't have to wait for someone to choose me to be the mother of her child or I don't have to become a foster parent first in order to become a mother of a baby through the city. Yes, there are many children domestically that need homes also, I just don't have the emotional energy to give to the process. After this past year (which I will discuss in the upcoming weeks) all of my emotional reserves are gone...I'm rebuilding them for those late night feedings and temper tantrums come next fall. Oh what great fun that will be! LOL


3. Q: How much is it (adoption) going to cost? A: I'm glad you asked!!!!!!!!!! Following are the costs to the agency I'm planning (not set in stone yet) on using. It's very expensive so remember those rent parties people used to have back in the day...stay tuned for adoption parties!!!!!!!

Program Fees and Other Expenses Gladney Center for Adoption June 1, 2007
ADOPTION FEES PAID TO GLADNEY
One Child Gladney Application Fee $300
Gladney Home Study Fee * $1,500
(Home Study Review Fee of $500 if another agency conducts the Home Study)
Gladney Program Fee $4,200
Post Placement Supervision Fee ** $600
Post Placement Report Administration $450
SUBTOTAL PAID TO GLADNEY $7,050
ADOPTION FEES PAID TO OTHERS (Best Estimates) In United States
CIS Application and Fingerprinting for 2 Adults $685
Authentication of Documents (Estimate)*** $350
Passport ($85/person travel) if applicable
Travel Visa ($20/person) $40
SUBTOTAL $1,075
In Ethiopia -Foreign coordinator/foreign source fee+ $7,335
SUBTOTAL $7,335
SUBTOTAL PAID TO OTHERS $8,410
TOTAL ADOPTION EXPENSES (Approximately) $15,460
TRAVEL EXPENSES (BEST ESTIMATES)
Vary depending upon season, cities visited, point of departure,level of accommodation, etc.
Adult Airfare/per Person/International Travel
Child Airfare/per Person/International Travel
Lodging Depending on Accom.(Est. 7 days)
Meals (Est. 7 days @ $30/day per family of 2)
Misc. Transportation in Ethiopia
TOTAL TRAVEL EXPENSES (Approximately) $4,195 - $6,485