Monday, April 21, 2008

Let's Get This Straight Now

Saturday I went to luncheon my church had for Women's Day.  It was held at the Ritz Carlton, meaning the service and food was impeccable.  The camaraderie was just what I needed and how can I forget we had Grammy nominated Ledisi (who attends our church) sing 3 songs. One of which was Alright.  If you listen to the song she is telling women that no matter what you are going through to keep your faith because it is going to work out for the best, it will be alright.  BTW...if you remember my post from the cruise she was one of the artists that was on board.  She is awesome, you will love her music if you have never heard of her, trust me on this.   


What a day.  But the highlight of my day was when my sister's mother said to me, "so Tami when your adoptive daughter comes and you become an adoptive mother..."  I cut her off right there saying...."whoa, what a minute.  When my daughter comes she will ONLY be my daughter and I will ONLY be her mother period."  Everyone at the table just looked kind of shocked and said "well, okay."  

I never found out what she was going to say when she began her statement and after my comment I don't think she remembered either and to be honest, I don't care.  

I have decided my way to deal with everyone's comments is to cut them off right before they even start.  I think people expect us (AP/PAP), to think about how we are going to be nice and explain when people say things to us because they don't really know any better.  Heck we are all adults, they should know when a comment is insensitive or not, if not I don't have any problem in making it clear for them.     


Aimee said...

I know people who I am sure would find it rude for me to ask such questions as, "tell me again why you are having a fifth child when you can't afford or control the four you have?"
Likewise, I feel it is rude when people make stupid adoption comments.

DWS said...

I hear you. I can still recall the day a neighbor suggested we change our son's name to an "American" name.

I told her his name was the only thing he had left and I was not going to take that away from him.

I think she probably remembers the look I gave her. Haven't seen her since.

DWS said...

I just checked out the video. I am SO missing that DC vibe!

Tasha said...

How about when you save your daughter from her hopeless life... blah blah blah.. or, you are doing a child a huge favor.

I hate those too!!

Or when the media says 'Angelina Jolie's adopted kids...' WTF??

Catrina said...

You gotta let them know! I've encountered similar comments. Stay strong.

Poppy and Peony said...

Beautiful song!
I so agree re comments, I can't ignore them either, I feel like I owe it to everyone effected by adoption to show proper adoptive friendly language and actions. Our kids have enough to deal with!
Well done you!

Charonda C. said...

Good for you to set her straight! Im adopted and I CANT stand it when people refer to my mother in one of the following terms:
"step mother"
"half mother"
"Foster mother"
or even "Adopted mother" It really ticks me off. Even though my mother and I aren't that close anymore she is still my mother and my "Birth Mother" is NOT my mother (even though we get along very well and I totally love her.)
I have been adopted since I was 8 months old and my mother is all that I know. She gets the title!
Honestly some people just dont know how to approach it. People LOVE labels.

Craig & Cindy said...

You're so right, sometimes adults can be obtuse. Love the song...!


The Quinn Girls said...

This week I got "They must look like their father". I am so sick and tired of total strangers thinking they have a right to comment on my family. It is really becoming a problem and I need to find a way to deal with it before the girls start understanding what is going on. People constantly ask me Did you meet their mother? Why were they given up? These are such personal issues. I love that you are so straight forward from the beginning. I'm going to have to stop being so nice.

haze said...

You did the right thing in that situation. That woman was ridiculous.

pat2006 said...

Go Tami! After having Addison home for over a year, I still sometimes get stupid comments. I have learned how to respond in a "respectful but firm" tone that usually ends the conversation. Glad you're setting the right tone before your sweet babe gets here.


Anna said...

Tami you sound like me. No wonder I like your blog.
I am often told that I am being "too honest". What the heck does that mean?! That my truth offends you? I dont care. My daughter is black and she is my "birth daughter", my son will be black and he will be my "adopted son". In the end they are my children regardless of the way they entered my life. End of story.
People want labels when they think they deserve clarification, which they often do not deserve. Should I choose to clarify something I will do it on my own terms.