Thursday, September 13, 2007

Dear Blogdom:

No, it's not Sunday but this has been on my mind and if you haven't figured this out about me I have to speak my mind. Additionally, I read in a post this morning that a mother let someone hold her baby for a few moments because she had to tend to her other child that had fallen and her baby did not want to go back to her...the mother was heartbroken of course.

So Blogdom the question is...when you bring (or brought) your child home how soon do/did you allow other people to hold him/her? I plan on adopting a 6-8 month old and I am trying to decide how soon to allow family and friends to come visit, stay and hold my daughter. I don't want to offend anyone, particularly not my family but I also must do what is best for my daughter. Oh wise Blogdom...what do I do?

10 comments:

Rebecca said...

Check out this blog:
http://rowanfamilytree.wordpress.com/2007/09/06/dos-don%e2%80%99ts-tips-for-family-friends/

It has some really good info about attachment. However, I will tell you that when I would hold my nieces, they often didn't want to go back to my sister - and they are her biological children! So, while attachment is important, they sometimes just like other people too :) But, I thought the do's and don't's the above blog mentioned were excellent!

Yay for our babies! I can't wait until we have pictures to post of them!! :)

-Rebecca

Melissa said...

Where do I send the bill for my pearls wisdom? I'm beginning to think you're taking advantage of my knowledge. ;-)

All babies are like that. They also understand human emotions more than we give them credit for. My nephew will act as though he doesn't want to return to his mom's arms. It's his way of either trying to make her jealous or is testing her.

I'm planning on adopting an 18 mo. old and will have no problems having others hold her. In the long run, she'll know that it's me who's making the meals, putting her to bed, kissing her boo-boos, etc. and that I'm the mom. I also want her to experience love from others.. to know that there's a whole group of people who love her.

Melissa said...

part two...

In terms of family. Remember... we're single women. We are entering a totally new enviornment. I read a lot about not letting others interfer with the bonding process, etc. But my reality is that I won't be able to do this alone 24/7 the first few weeks. Even mothers of newborns don't really do it alone.. they have the grandparents there for the first month.

I want my daughter to know she has a family that extends outside of the two of us. She's going from zero affection/bonding to 3-4 people constantly holding her. She'll know that I'm the momma but I want her to know that I'm not the only one who loves her.

I see nothing wrong with letting your family/friends into the picture when you return. Just as long as you are the one putting her to bed and feeding her.. you'll be fine. (Of course I'm speaking from ZERO experience)

Tracey said...

A lot of it depends on your child and how well he or she is attaching to you. Plus, as long as people undertand and respect your boundaries, they can still visit. Being a brand new single mom is HARD, and i had plans to be a lot more strict with the rules than I ended up being, just out of necessity. I needed help. I did almost all the feeding, bathing and diaper changing for the first couple of months, but I did let other people hold her fairly soon after arriving home. It was never a problem for us. Amara was already preferring me to other people before we left Ethiopia. By the end of our week there, she would not let anyone else feed her. So, I didn't feel like she would get confused if other people helped out a bit.

haze said...

Good question, Tami, and good responses. My current plan is to allow only minimal holding for the first 6mths and I do all the feeding, changing, bathing, soothing, rocking to sleep. As I say, it's my plan as of this moment. I'm going to have my Mom helping out at first so she'll be doing the practical stuff like cooking & cleaning (I hope!) and escorting us to the grocery store, etc.

Of course, it will all depend on the child and a good dose of reality.

Tami said...

Thanks for the advice! Right now I will probably try to limit my visitors until I feel like Baby I and I have a bond and as Tracey said that could be fairly fast. I will be sure to be the only one who feeds, clothes, bathes and does all of that stuff unless ofcourse Mommy simply needs a break! And as Haze says I simply need a reality check. At the moment my mother is the only one that I plan to have staying with me initially. The rest of the family will have to wait until we feel ready for more overnight guests.

Tracey said...

One otehr thng to keep in mind is the culture an experience our children come from is different from some otehr countires. Amara spent her fist 10 months surroudned by family in a compound of small shacks, so there were always people around. The nannies at teh orphaage gave her plenty of affection, and held her onstantly for teh 7 weeks she was there. So unlike kids who lie on their backs in a crib for 6 or 7 months and don't get much contact, our kids are used to it. so they are more likely to have indiscriminate attachment (going to anyone) rather than not wanting to go to anyone. BUT, the community care of a chil dis part of their culture that you don't necessarily want to squash entirely. You want them to feel love by many peopel, but understand that Mommy is the bet. It is a balancing act.

Tami said...

Thanks Tracey. I'm sure I'll have lots of visitors but I don't know if I want overnight guests back to back...those will have to be spaced but I get your point. It takes a village but I'm the Mommy! :-)

The Elliott Family said...

Piper was about 21 mos. old, and by the end of the almost 2 weeks there, she knew who Mama was, no doubt. I brought a good friend with me, and she still never even confused us, which I was very worried about. You will be your child's connection to where they come from, so it will be you she'll cling to. Now, if she is a baby, it may be a little different, but she'll learn real quick that you are the one that will be everything to her!

Anna said...

We are going to try and do the attachment parenting thing (for the most part) at first. I am also going to try adoptive breastfeeding which I think might help with the baby feeling attached to me/us. Is that something you might consider?
(first time blog visitor over from straight magic- love your blog).