Word for Today: Bargain

Along with my "shopping" I have found a few sites that will help you save a few dollars so I thought I would share.  It's kinda fun to get free things in the mail even if it is only for 1-2 loads of laundry or a few cups of coffee.  I get to try new things out and I get a chance to open something besides bills.  I hope you enjoy some of the resources (I have more but I thought I would just post a few):

• "Deal"licious Mom
• Baby Cheapskate
• Deal Seeking Mom
• Dime Saving Diva
• It's Hip to Save
• Penny Pinching Diva
• Baby Steals
• Kid Steals
• Mamma Bargains

If I missed any good sites let me know.  I'm always up for a bargain!

Biometrics Completed!

I just got back from USCIS.  It took me 40 minutes to get there in traffic  10 minutes total to get my FINGERPRINTS taken and 90 minutes to get home in traffic!  I need some chocolate now! Moving on to the next step...does anyone want to tell me what that is?  LOL  

More Empty Crib Talk

Newsweek (Feb, 4) released an article that highlighted more of what all of us, that are adopting or have adopted, already know...it's getting pretty tight in the adoption arena. The article states that fewer international adoption are now taking place in the US dropping from 22,844 in 2004 to 19,411 last year but there are more people than ever that want to adopt. There are now so many rules put in place by countries and countries are even closing their programs. It makes perfect sense that the adoption rates would decrease. The interest hasn't declined it just takes way more perseverance to complete an international adoption these days. Countries such as Kenya, South Africa, China and Brazil have pretty strict guidelines which cuts many people out so they move to other (newer) countries like Ethiopia. Now, this has the BJezzes scared out of me because how much longer can it be before something happens to the Ethiopia program. We are running scared all the time already...be berry, berry careful. Get your ducks in a row...you never know!

Holiday Traditions

I was sent this question weeks ago and haven't answered it yet because I was hoping to come up with something very enlightening but instead you get this.

Q: Tami, I'm wondering as an AA woman about to adopt a baby, what kinds of traditions do you envision? I'm asking being a white woman with very little vision about a multicultural holiday, but ready to learn.

A: I'm sorry to disappoint you but, although I've said in many posts, in different ways, I am multicultural, I have no special "multicultural" way of celebrating the holidays. The way my mother raised me was to just celebrate the holidays without thought of any specific culture or race. I suppose we always knew who we were so around the holiday it was just a time to be with the ones we love, be thankful and to celebrate what the season was for. Yes, different parts of my cultural has specific traditions but, because my family was so diverse and maybe because we were in America, we never focused on those things. Around the holiday we just enjoyed each other.

Baby I will be my first child so, as most of you have done, the traditions I will share with her will be those passed on from my family, those I research and that I think I would like to incorporate into our lives. I don't want to start anything too stressful though because life is stressful enough. I'm going to keep it pretty basic to begin with and not focus so much on the "traditions" but more on the experiences, exposure and education. The people I have her around, the places I take her to and the time I spend with her. I don't want to get so caught up and overly obsessed year 1 with every single tradition. Kind of like the hair thing... you know just let the baby's hair just....oh, excuse me I'm getting ready to digress...LOL

I love the holidays so I think it's important to be around those that you love both friends and family. I want my children to appreciate what they have and not look down on others for what they don't have. As such, last year I started working with the homeless or sick and shut in, this will also be a part of our life. I try to attend service on Christmas morning. As far as celebrating the Ethiopian Christmas holidays specifically, I plan to start learning as soon as I can to share with her as well as our friends and family.

Finally, there are many people that read this blog (go figure) that have their children home or are Ethiopian and can share traditions that we can incorporate into our lives not only around the holiday but all year. If you don't mind, please share some of those traditions with us. Selam.

Ethiopian Jungle Crud

What is "Ethiopian Jungle Crud?" Beats me but on an adoption board this phrase got thrown out and I was sent an email about it from another PAP. It looks like I have become the Diaspora Adoption Diversifier (for a lack of a better term). This particular family was pretty annoyed about this email that was going back and forth from this family that just picked up their daughter from Ethiopia. Apparently the husband got sick and the family said he got the "Ethiopian Jungle Crud." Well, the PAP that emailed me said Addis is not in the jungle...true...and was concerned about what they would teach their child about Ethiopia--truth or fiction?

I was curious so I went to board and read the email. I felt bad that the man got sick but I was disturbed by what he called his sickness and really wondered why he would call it the Jungle Crud? Ummm...anyway, you know I sent the board an email and did I get backlash. Probably, many are reading this blog this morning...oh excuse my impoliteness...GOOD MORNING! :-)

So, this is what I said:
What is this Ethiopian Crud? Is this what the doctor called it (because I looked it up online and couldn’t find any medical definition for it) or is this what you and your husband have decided to call it? I can tell you it does not sound very nice to me and I am offended by it. Addis is not in the Jungle so to me this has a very negative connotation of what you believe Ethiopia to be and your understanding of Ethiopia. Furthermore, when I saw the word "crud" and I saw “hassle”… like see what I had to go through to pickup this little baby. Traveling anywhere and simply getting on a plane can be a hassle. When I travel across country I get sick so again, this just didn't sit well with me (you can say it is just me but this was brought to my attention by someone else on the board.). I have said this on other boards, I say this on my blog, and I will say it on this board...you are now stepping into a new world where you are not only adopting an Ethiopian child but you are adopting a Diaspora. You now must think about the subtleties of the words in which you speak and write. Those things which may not seem like such a big deal to you are very offensive to others. Selam

Guess what happened then? Someone threatened to call my adoption agency on me! They said I was ridiculous! It was just a few words and yes maybe they were not the right words but this was simply ridiculous. Who is this Tami person...I sent them to my blog. This was my response:

My name is Tami. The purpose of my email was to let you know exactly what I said, how words come across to people and how they can come across as racist. This is a forum for learning and trust me you better learn some of these lessons now, while your babies are young. Race is a very touchy issue and people don't like to hear it or discuss it, I force people to see it and talk about it...many people don't like me because of it...sorry. I live it daily. I am actually pretty friendly, I talk about this, I can laugh about it...many others won't. If any of you feel the need to call Gladney about me please do but I think you are over reacting. Trust that they read my blog just like everyone else. Selam.

Just another day in Happy Blog Land for Me! Happy Friday!

African American Support for Your Adoption

Believe it or not, I did receive a few questions in my I Help Where I Can post. I have just been trying to come up with a witty response so here is my first response. We still have 16 days so I'm accepting questions! LOL

Question: Your perspective on how white adoptive parents can work at gaining support from the AA community in adoption (in terms of trust). I find that many of my AA friends/ acquaintances aren’t to keen about my adoption. I want to work at finding that support in my local AA community. I want to meet folks where they are I’m not expecting them to come to me.

Answer: Well, this is quite a dilemma you have here. Don't feel bad because you are not alone. I'll let you in on a little secret, a lot of African Americans aren't too keen on us (other AA) adopting African, Haitian or any baby of color that is not "African American." I get criticized regularly for my Ethiopian adoption so, my first point is: you will not be accepted by all African Americans simply because you are adopting a little brown baby. Now, once your little bundle of joy is here he/she will clearly be American and be considered African American through most eyes. So, how do you get the adults to understand you want to meet them where they are and you don't expect them to meet you where you are? Simply put, lots of hard work and effort.

Don't use where you live, your family, friends, work, community or any of that as an excuse. What I mean by all of that is, it takes a concerted effort. Let me give you an example. In Cleveland my Aunt has a friend who is white who adopted a black daughter. They live in an all white community yet weekly she drives 35 + miles (one way) to make sure her daughter can play and socialize with another black child and family. The mother has made friends with my Aunt who, in turn, has introduced her to other families. Her child may live and go to school in an all white community during the week but, on the weekend she is part of an African American community and activities (The irony of this is my Aunt lives in a white community also but hers has a few more Blacks). The mother joined a black mother's group and no they were not too keen on her joining at first. She said she joined for her child and kept coming back, they eventually got over it (she had a lot of "balls" and my Aunt had to fight for her). Ultimately, you simply need to have very, very, very thick skin and keep the course. Eventually, the community and your acquaintances will come around. And then the honest truth is some of them never will. I have lost some friends on my journey to adopt my child(ren) and you know what? That is fine by me! If they can't accept this new part of my life and that God has called for me to be a mother to 1 or 2 children from Ethiopia then they are not meant to be in my circle.

So, you have to continue to expose your child and make sure it is all about your child. Be clear, what they are saying under their breath is "uh hu" sure...we'll see...but is that really any different from what I would get if I decided I loved hockey and am now a huge fan. I want to know everything about it and go to all the games and become part of the community. I want to be accepted and I want everyone to love me. Nope! Probably not. Hockey is a predominately white sport. Are there any blacks that play? I'm sure there are at least 1 or 2 we are everywhere (heehee) but you get my point! Eventually, the people at the hockey ring would see I really am serious about hockey because I keep coming back every week...then I can speak the language, I know the people and I'm comfortable in the arena, nothing is made up.

Becoming part of the African American community will be the same for you. However, whatever you do please, please, I beg you as you try to meet AA where they are do not speak Ebonics or say one of my best friends is black, neither are cool at all! LOL

Blog Name Change

I have posted over 90 rants and raves. Who knew I had so much to say? Well, my mother and many of my teachers I'm sure would say "we did." Now, it is time for you all to know the truth about me...I tend to have a short attention span. I need to have frequent change (that is the Gemini in me or the Attention Deficit Disorder...heehee). So, now I'm bored! Not bored with posting, but bored with my blog name. What made me think I could pick one blog color and remain happy for a year or more? What was I thinking? I'm sure it was the excitement of the moment! Well, I need to change something about the blog and the most obvious is the name, it just doesn't reflect my current state. My adoption is and will forever be a blessing however, it is more than that. I am more than that. I want the name to be reflective of me, my life and our (me and Baby I) life. I've seen some really cool blog names out there, please help me find a new blog name.

WARNING...this is something like picking a baby name...it won't be easy! LOL OKAY...I'm open to suggestions.

I Help Where I Can

I thought I would try something new. I've received several emails (some nice and some not so nice) from current mothers and other PAPs saying they appreciate my straightforward comments, I provide them a view they need for raising a child from the Diaspora. Okay, I said that, they said Ethiopian, black or African American child. LOL Anyway, I thought this would be a good month to open up my blog to questions. The kinds of questions you were afraid to ask someone else, didn't have anyone else to ask or simply wanted another opinion.

When you send me questions they don't post automatically (I have to approve them first) so you can either send them to me anonymously or you can include your name. I will not post your questions in the comments section if you ask me not to. I'm not trying to "out" anyone for their questions. I'm actually looking to be helpful and simply looking for something to write about for these 30 days! LOL If I don't get any questions...I'll make something up!!!!! Just kidding. I'll think of something witty to write about (as usual).

So, what questions do you have??? I'm sure there is something that you have been dying to ask but you didn't have anyone to ask, here is your opportunity!

Education is Key

A few weeks back on the adoption boards a conversation took place where a mother was having a difficult time making a decision as to whether she should place her Ethiopian child in a public charter or traditional public school. Neither school was ranked extremely high academically but the charter school was located closer to her job, primarily black and had a slight gang/violence problem. The traditional public school was located closer to her home but was almost all white. She was torn. She felt she had an opportunity to provide her child(ren) with a black experience and wanted to do so since neither school seemed to be any better but she was concerned about the violence...AND RIGHTLY SO.

My friends and I have spent time debating where the best place to send our children to school is. I live in DC and we definitely have a number of educational challenges, as well as choices: charter, public and private schools. But you better believe I want nothing to do with anything that is segregated. As much as I love who I am, I know who I am (and I will make sure that so does Baby I) so I don't need an all Black grade school for my child to know that. I want my child to know and appreciate the entire world of diversity - other cultures, foods and languages - it is who she is, who I am and who my friends are. However, I understand this is an issue for some families.

We are in a time of crisis in public education but, there are great things going on in every city and don't let anyone tell you there is not. Also, don't let anyone tell you bad things about good options such as charter schools. Charter schools are good options for our children but not every charter school works but guess what? Neither do all public schools and many haven't worked for say 50 years now. At least if a charter school is not performing they shut it down, I can't say that for traditional public schools.

Don't let the race card stand in the way of your child's education. Fight for what you believe your child deserves. This is your child's future. Don't just put your black child around some black kids during the day because you feel guilty for being white or living in an all white community if the school you are going to send your child to is substandard and the environment is not safe--you will be doing your child a disservice (and I know you don't want to do that). No one can learn in an unsafe environment. It's sad to say but, it is very difficult to get gang activity and violence out of schools and to get high quality teachers that will tolerate unsafe environments. So, just remember when thinking about where to send your child to school, the best education isn't just about academics but, it also includes factors like violence and ethnic composition of a school (scary we have to think about these things isn't it, but we do). Yes, so much to think about.

The Big Haircare Dilemma

Well I'm off cruising in the morning and I can't stand to leave without a post. Have a good week and enjoy my latest rants.

Every time I see a post on the adoption board about haircare I immediately cringe. I know that it is going to be something, for the lack of a better word, "interesting." I mean just because you are adopting a black child does not mean the haircare product you purchase must have the name Africa in it, be purchased in the motherland, or say specifically for black hair. (FYI...Most of my friends use products like Sebastian, Enjoy, KMS, etc on their hair). Your kids are just kids. They don't need a whole lot of stuff in their hair anyway...the more you put in their hair the more dependent you are making it on the products and they are way to young for that. As one of my friends says, just let their hair do what it is going to do. No matter how much stuff you put their hair is never going to be straight so get over it. The names of some of these products: WTF... Africa Hair, Mizura, Loc Butter? I don't even put that stuff in my head. People don't believe the hype! I also read that someone was so upset about Carol's Daughter products because they liked using them on their daughter but they were so expensive. I'm not going to knock another sister's products, they are good but yes they are expensive, there are other products on the market...USE THEM!

Side bar...this same woman said she only bathed her kid once a week because she thought her daughter's skin got too dry (she moisturized twice a week only)because the products were too expensive. Lady use another less expensive product, give your kid a bath and moisturize her daily are you kidding me? Whatever happened to good 'ole Vaseline? Johnson & Johnson makes some great products. I still use some of their products on my skin and I'm as soft as a baby's ...well you know. Sighhh

Growing up my mother used Johnson & Johnson No More Tangles on my hair and it worked just fine (and I could sit on my hair). I know that dealing with ethnic hair is a challenge for some of you. I see the fear in your faces when you talk about hair care and I see the end result on your child's head. We don't want them to look crazy but please don't go to the extreme. Don't put multiple products on their hair. They don't need gels, freeze and shine, moouse, cremes and all of that stuff. It doesn't have to be some imported product from Africa (or so it says). Different kids need different things.

Finally, while I respect the views many of the adoptive mothers have provided on the big hair care dilemma I would advise if you are just very stumped find a good black hair salon to get the 411, if you don't have a good girlfriend to tell you the truth about which products to use or not to use. Oh and one more thing...let the baby's hair grow! I know she looks cute to you with short hair but in our community we have a love affair with hair (at least while they are kids) so let it grow, let it grow.

Following is a poem that I found about nappy hair. I love my nappy hair and I'm proud! :-)

Nappy-Headed by Latasha Williams

I came to this world with nappy hair
And when I was too young to really care
I loved to twirl each curl in my hand
And appreciate the texture of every strand.
But when I got older I was told
That the straightest hair was just like gold.
My hair got ironed with a metal comb
And the smell of burning grease made me moan.
I got a relaxer to run from the smoke,
But the pain of my overcooked scalp was no joke.
I even tried a Jheri curl to give myself a break
But being a target of jokes made my heart ache.
Oh, the day I turned my back on chemicals and heat,
I felt so free - oh, what a treat!
I trimmed off what was left of the damaged mess
And saw in the mirror what I thought was success.
But society said I had lost my mind
And that I would run back to tradition in time.
I got the strangest looks everywhere
And even loved ones frowned at my nappy hair.
I can't get a black brother to take me out for a meal
Since my hair lacks European appeal.
But when I look at my origin,
The continent of Africa, where my ancestors had been
And the beauty of the people who live there,
I saw nothing wrong with my nappy hair.
God gave me this hair
So I should not be ashamed
It is part of who I am
Ain't nothin' wrong with it, I exclaimed.
So I will wear my Afro, my twists and my coils!
I will not allow my confidence to be soiled.
Even if my hair is locked and dreaded,
I am proud of being nappy-headed.

Blogdom: I Need Boy Names!

Dear Blogdom:

My bestfriend, yes the one who doesn't read my blog, is having a boy next month. The problem is she and her husband can't agree on a boy's name and I'm all out of suggestions. We've tried: Connor, Owen, Hayden, Jackson, (her first son is Desmond), Ellis, Tristen, Braydon and Randy to name a few. Her husband doesn't like them. He doesn't want anything that starts with an A because the boys initials would be ASS (that would build character though...lol). They also want something a little different.

Soooooooooo....even though she doesn't read my blog, I love her (plus her first son is my Godson) and I thought I would see if the ole wise ones could come up with some boys names. So give me all of your best boys names...PLEASE! If you don't help and we don't find a name soon, I told her she may just have to find a new husband!

Dear Blogdom:

No, it's not Sunday but this has been on my mind and if you haven't figured this out about me I have to speak my mind. Additionally, I read in a post this morning that a mother let someone hold her baby for a few moments because she had to tend to her other child that had fallen and her baby did not want to go back to her...the mother was heartbroken of course.

So Blogdom the question is...when you bring (or brought) your child home how soon do/did you allow other people to hold him/her? I plan on adopting a 6-8 month old and I am trying to decide how soon to allow family and friends to come visit, stay and hold my daughter. I don't want to offend anyone, particularly not my family but I also must do what is best for my daughter. Oh wise Blogdom...what do I do?