Sunday, September 21, 2008

Life. It Happens.

When I was a kid my mother used to tell me: "Tami, you talk to much".  Then as I got older she said: "Tami, you talk too much and trust too easily.  You think everyone is your friend, they are not."  So, for thirty something years (don't ask) I pretty much heard those words repeated from my mother, in different ways of course.  For thirtysomething years she continued to see my heartbroken which broke her heart as well.  It was not until this past summer, when life happened (SHTF) that I finally understood what all of those things my mother said to me meant.  

A few weeks ago another AP asked me if she should tell everyone she is adopting and I told her if I had to do it over again I would wait until I had my referral to share.  When I started this process 15 months ago I thought it would move so smoothly for me...then life happened.   Life.  It happens.  Seems pretty simple to me, I thought it would be simple to everyone else.  I thought everyone would rejoice at my choices and provide support.  Maybe even if they weren't rejoicing I thought they would care about what was going on in my life.  So, I did as I often had, spilled all the beans about my feelings, the adoption process, plans I had for my baby girl, my career, about EVERYTHING!  Then guess what I found out?  Either many of those people could have cared less, they turned my joy into something they tried to use against me or they drive me completely insane asking me: "when is the baby coming, what is they problem, why is it taking so long, what are you doing wrong".  After each time someone asks me a question or it is very apparent they don't care about what is going on in my world a little is taken away from me and I think...what did I do to deserve that.   I want nothing more than to have my daughter home, but there are things that cannot be explained because life simply happens.  And after thirtysomething years I've finally realized that I don't owe people explanations for why my life happens the way it's life, it just does.  

So, finally, what life has taught me is to keep some things just for me and to share when and if I feel it is the right time to. Fifteen months into the process I now understand why people wait until the first trimester to tell people they are pregnant.  My mother used to say, not everything is for everybody.  I finally get it.  I just hope that I am able to convey what it took my mother thirtysomething years for me to get to Baby I at a much younger age.  I certainly don't ever want to steal her joy and I know my mother never wanted to steal mine, but what she wanted me to do was keep some of that joy reserved for me because she knew that others could crush my spirit (I'm sensitive you know...LOL).  Ok Mom, I finally get it...I love you.  


LoveNotes4CocoPrincess said...

Tami, yes, there are many people who want nothing more than to see your dreams crushed and your heart hurt; however, there are many more of us who are praying for you, praising with you, and standing with you believing and hoping all things. I learned very early on in the adoption journey to guard my heart, brush the haters off and KIM!

Pick your heart up sista-girl and get back in the game and let no one steal your joy (they weren't responsible for giving you joy N-E-way)!

Thank God for a Mother like yours
--- Baby I will have a great legacy to lead the way for her so keep your head up and your feet on the lighted path!!!

Ali said...

Tami, I know how you feel. Almost everyone has been supportive for me, but a few have asked insensitive questions. It is hurtful. Then there are the (mostly well meaning)people who as over and over what ip with the baby and why it is taking so long. Hey, I have been waiting on the list for over 9 months and have another 9 or so to go. It is hard to explain over and over again why it takes so long. I feel what you are saying. But I think that all things happen in God's time. It will be sooooo worth it when you have baby I home.

Kerri said...

I had the same problem with my first adoption. It ended up taking 2 1/2 torturous years. With my second one, most people found out when they saw me off the schedule for travel. It was hard to keep it all in but so much easier too.
Kerri, Medina, and Ruby

kristine said...

I am exactly like you in this way - I'm 44 and have not learned it yet! We started 2 years ago (trying domestic adoption) and that didn't work out. So now international and we've probably got 2 more years to go. I wish I had never said anything. But what can you do. I don't know that I'll ever be able to change.

Robbin said...

Tami, you will become a mommy at precisely the moment you are supposed to. I struggle with the comments that I get from ppl. It affects me and the sound of their voices resonate in my mind at times when things are quiet. I know I drive my friends CRAZY with my ideals of parenting, products and pregnancy lol. I feel comfortable each day that I wait that I am going thru the same maternity phase as a pregnant mom. The anxiety, the confusion, the anticipation of seeing that little face and hearing the cry. I deserve to be happy and confused at the same time.

I am learning to keep my choices to my self. My time frame i keep vague, for the process I refer those that care to my blog. I will keep it in my own heart. Share it only when prompted and defend it only when it matters. And tell them to kiss my b*tt if they don't like it.

And I LOVE my highchair! LOL.


haze said...

This is a good. I haven't had to deal with too much crap but it's getting harder to deal with ANYTHING negative the longer I wait. I think I'll take your approach and start being VERY vague when the same people keep asking 'how much longer.'

You mom sounds like a really wise woman. You're going to pass along some very useful wisdom to Baby I.

Barbara said...

One good thing though - you know who your real friends are now, and that's worth a lot.

Tarah said...

I can so relate! I wrestle with wanting the support and prayers of family and friends, but not wanting to put my heart out there to get trampled on. I'd have to say that so far the support has not been with close friends or family! You will be in my prayers.

I really love your's a bright spot in my day! : )

Tami said...

Thanks Tarah! :-)

Poppy and Peony said...

Boy do I need to learn this. Thank you!