Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Today I Shed a Tear (Tears)

Today I shed my first adoption tear.

No, I had a big cry and it was at work.

Why?

A former co-worker had just returned from a soul searching two-month trip to India to visit her birth and adoptive parents. She was talking about how great the trip was, but at some point in the conversation she mentioned how her birth mother had been sad at different points in her life (she knew her, although she didn't find out that it was her birth mother until she was an adult) about giving her up for adoption (to a family member). At that point it clicked that my excitement (about this adoption) was at the cost of someone's grief. How excited I was, but how sad a mother and family must be to be giving a child up. That made my heart literally hurt and stomach sink, I just started crying at work. My friend had to come across the desk and calm me down then take me and buy me hot chocolate. She provided as much encouragement and support as she could and the only words I could muster were:

"I just want to do the right thing and be a great mother."

I guess as I'm on the final countdown to my referral it is getting very real and these are probably normal worries. I just pray that the little spirit that God blesses me to watch over that her birth mother and family have enough faith to know that she will be ok. That God has placed her with a mother who has been preparing for her and waiting for her for a long time. That she will love, support, guide and raise her to be a proud, smart, respectful, Christian, fun loving, creative and confidant woman. Proud to be all that she is by birth and by growth. Baby I has much to look forward to and as her mother so do I and even with the tears today and the ones I will undoubtedly have to come, SO DO I! I can't wait.

Stay Tuned...

5 comments:

hazel said...

Oh boy. Yes the thought of our intense joy being at the expense of somebody else's crushing pain never gets easier to deal with. I'm crying just writing this.

Tami, your sorrow about this cruel dichotomy is a sign of the loving, thoughtful, and respectful mother you are soon to become.

Hugs

Anonymous said...

I so fill your pain...I think every adoptive parent has a thought about the birth parents and how the lost affects their life. If you are human and have a heart then you will cry and pray that everyone has done the right thing because JOY comes in the morning. TRUST that!!!! (Hugs)
Sen

Jebena said...

...it's okay to cry. I pray your tears will give you comfort.

Robbin Hopkins said...

awwwww.... friend just hang in there. this is not your plan.... it's just NOT. So rest in the comfort that its not by your selfish acts that you are becoming a mom, you are not the cause of the anguish but actually a positive part of a bigger plan

Tami said...

Thanks all. I feel much better...that is until I stare at the phone. ;-)