Angelina Jolie Set To Adopt Bazillionth Child
January 22nd, 2008 at 19:00 by Stuart Heritage (Heckler Spray.com)
Angelina Jolie is losing her touch - she hasn't adopted a third-world orphan for almost ten months now. The old Angelina Jolie we know wouldn't be nearly as tardy - give her ten months a couple of years ago and she'd have absorbed a country the size of Chad into her bulging rainbow-coloured multicultural orphanarium - but at least Angelina's making up for lost time by preparing to adopt another Ethiopian baby.
Yes, we know that Angelina Jolie has got an Ethiopian baby already, but getting another one is a strategic move to prise David Banda out of Madonna's claws come the next round of high-stakes pro-am celebrity adoption baby-swapsies. Angelina Jolie might only star in films that make people roll their eyes and avoid them at all costs, but at least she's a good mother. Did we say good? We meant prolific. Angelina Jolie is a prolific mother, and has babies from Cambodia, Ethiopia, Vietnam and up her own mary. But that's not enough. Because Angelina Jolie knows that having four babies is frankly rubbish - it's nowhere near enough for her to break the world record for fastest journey to the North Pole on a sled using babies instead of huskies - and that's why she's angling for number five.
Not literally angling - she's not going to just pull up alongside Africa in a boat and dangle food over a primary school from a string until some starving idiot falls for her plan - but Angelina Jolie's brother James Haven has let slip that Angelina Jolie has plans to adopt another baby from Ethiopia. According to Now:
'They are creating one big family and will keep adopting as long as they are able to,' says James… They want to open their arms to another little girl from the same country as Zahara, who was born in Ethiopia. 'Angie and Brad talk about how much they have been taught by their kids,' James tells the Daily Mirror. 'In many respects Angie saved Zahara's life and there are so many more children whose lives she could save and she talks about that constantly.'
However, if this is true, then Angelina Jolie is playing a dangerous game by adopting another Ethiopian - along with Zahara there'll be two Ethiopians, who could easily gang up on the Vietnamese boy, the Cambodian boy and the biological Jolie-Pitt. Then the others would have to form an alliance and start some kind of bloody massacre to overrun their Ethiopian oppressors, perhaps using Shiloh as a human shield. It won't be pretty, and Angelina Jolie should really think about investing in a Swiss orphan to act as the neutral middle ground.
Either that or this new Ethiopian baby won't be properly adopted by Angelina Jolie, and this is all just phase one of her back-up program to keep understudies for each of her kids to mine for organs in case anything goes wrong with her real adopted kids.
Whatever, if Angelina Jolie really is planning to adopt another child, then maybe number six should be a sheepdog. They're cheaper than nannies, you see. And they chase sticks. Honestly, have you ever tried to make a nanny chase a stick? It's bloody impossible.